By Dr. Simbiat Adighije, PMHNP, MBBS, PhD
Psychiatric and Mental Health Expert | Founder & CEO, Conscientia Health
I lost my beloved mother suddenly and returned to work the very next day—because that’s what high performers often do. On the outside, I looked dependable and productive. On the inside, I was carrying grief that did not match what anyone could see.
That story matters at work because leaders tend to look for clear signs that someone is struggling—missed deadlines, visible distress or a request for time off. Many grieving employees never show those signals—especially the ones you rely on most. They keep delivering while their capacity shrinks, and the organization mistakes output for well-being.
Your job is not to fix grief. Your job is to lead a grieving high performer through a temporary capacity shift with steadiness and clarity so performance stays stable and the relationship stays intact.
Change What You Look For
Grief can follow a death, but it can also follow divorce, miscarriage, a diagnosis, infertility or a caregiving crisis. It can compound when losses stack up, which is why someone can seem fine and still be struggling.
Instead of waiting for collapse, watch for sustained shifts that last beyond a rough week:
- Slower response times from someone typically quick
- More small mistakes from someone usually precise
- A noticeable pullback from collaboration
- Slower decision-making due to reduced bandwidth
Treat these shifts as data—not as a character judgment.
Say Something Without Forcing Disclosure
Leaders often avoid these conversations because they do not want to pry. However, silence can cause more harm than a respectful check-in.
Try this approach:
“I’ve noticed you seem more weighed down than usual, and I want to check in. You don’t have to share anything personal. I want to understand what would help you stay on track with what matters most.”
If they share, keep your response simple and grounded:
“I’m sorry you are carrying this. Thank you for telling me. Let’s look at what is on your plate and make a plan for the next few weeks.”
Reduce Ambiguity With a Short Plan
Grief makes uncertainty heavier. When everything feels urgent, employees expend energy trying to prioritize while also trying to appear okay.
A two- to four-week plan can stabilize performance quickly. Focus on:
1. What Must Be Done
2. What Can Wait
3. What Needs Support
Then:
- Narrow active priorities
- Reduce optional meetings
- Clarify deadlines in writing
If workload cannot shrink, adjust support systems—shift resources, share ownership or simplify decision-making. High performers rarely signal overwhelm early; they often push until they cannot.
Check In With Structure, Not Surveillance
Consistency prevents frustration and misalignment. Keep check-ins:
- Short
- Predictable
- Focused
Recommended cadence:
- Start-of-week priority check
- Midweek quick touchpoint
Ask leadership-focused questions:
- What is the hardest part of this week?
- What can I remove or adjust?
- Where do you need more clarity from me?
Offer Specific Support Instead of Vague Comfort
Statements like “Let me know if you need anything” create added pressure.
Instead, offer clear options:
- “Would it help if we reduced your meetings for the next two weeks?”
- “Do you want me to shift this deadline or help resource it?”
- “Would you prefer one longer check-in or two shorter touchpoints?”
Specificity reduces mental load and improves outcomes.
Plan for the Return, Not Just the Absence
Many organizations handle bereavement leave correctly—but neglect the transition back.
The first week back is often harder than the time away.
To lead effectively:
- Reconfirm priorities on Day 1
- Temporarily reduce nonessential work
- Reintroduce structured check-ins
This prevents overwhelm and supports sustained performance.
Leadership Means Seeing Beyond Output
In my recent interview with mental health advocate King David, I discussed that people can be struggling deeply and still show up. Leaders who only manage what they can see will miss what is happening—until it becomes a business problem.
To lead a grieving high performer, act sooner than feels comfortable and lead with clarity.
Because relationships are not separate from the work—they are part of the work.
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